Stepping Up To Step Away
by rehellams
Summary: The truth shall set you free even if you are Jane Rizzoli and living in your own self imposed prison.
1. Chapter 1

Stepping Up To Step Away

Hello reader, this is my first fanfic. I do not own or make money from R&I. I hope you enjoy my first endeavor.

Maura sat behind her desk clutching a fresh tissue in her left hand that was perched on her lap. Armed with a pen hovering over paperwork and a monitor screen filled with an unknown file she picked at random, the Medical Examiner gave the illusion of being hard at work. In reality, the only thing she was doing was falling apart. She closed her eyes pushing the tears off the tips of her eyelashes that met the quick dab of the tissue, soaking up the salty liquid before it could disturb one ounce of the perfection in which her makeup had been applied. Behind closed lids, she was blinded by the memory of the engagement ring that was now at home on the ring finger of her best friend, Detective Jane Rizzoli. The image once again nourished the haunted, hollow ache that started as soon as she saw the ring when Jane came through the CSRU Lab door way. Pushing the image away Maura opened her eyes again to carry on the ruse of being hard at work. At the sound of a gentle knock on the door frame she looked up, amazed to see no other than Casey Jones in her door way.

"Maura, may I come in and speak with you?"

Inside her mind, propriety and jealousy waged its war as to which action Dr. Isles was going to take. No matter how much she wanted to tear into this man that was threatening her whole world which was built around the one true love of her heart, the one person who she looked to for guidance in life, the one who gave her a life to live, he was going to take Jane away. Realizing she was taking too long, Maura made a vague gesture to the chair in front of her desk. With purpose, Casey crossed the office space and took a seat. After he settled he took in the appearance of his loves' best friend. As a military man he was trained to observe and read body language. Dr. Isles was good, because to an untrained eye one would only see a member of a law enforcement team who was hard at work trying to find an answer to the latest crime involving the famous Clown Kidnapper of the 1980's. To Casey Maura's body screamed heartache and misery.

"My apologies, Casey, I am not being rude, but could you make this quick? We are in a bit of an emergency mode trying to track down and catch this Clown kidnapper."

"I understand, Maura, and I will be brief as possible."

"Thank you. That would be appreciated."

"Maura, as you know, I have asked Jane to marry me."

At the motion of Maura about to interrupt him, Casey held up his hand politely indicating that the Doctor should hold her comment until he was finished saying his peace. Maura nodded her head for him to continue.

"As for asking that of Jane I had made my mind up to marry her if she said yes, because make no mistake, I am in love with her. She is my world. I would have given up everything and anything to be with her. Just to make her smile, it fills me with such a sense of purpose that if that is all I had to do in life, I would be beyond fulfilled."

"Casey, please, I know you are in love with Jane…."

"Maura, she is not in love with me! If Jane wanted to marry me, she would have said yes. She would have said yes."

The military man looked away from the sad green eyes to compose himself and to blink away the tears that were now present in his own eyes. Clearing his throat, he continued hating the quaver that was now in his voice.

"Jane is in love with you, Dr. Isles."

"Casey, you are mistaken. Jane and I are the best of friends and we do care very deeply about one another, but to say she is in love with me, is so very untrue. I do believe that Jane does love and care for me, but in love with me? I think you are mistaken."

"Come now, Maura, please be real. I have seen how you two look at each other."

"No, Casey, it can't be. Whatever you think you saw, it's just not there."

"Maura, I am not being crass, but the night you were over for dinner and after we ate we had some cocktails. We all were a little tipsy and somehow we ended up in Jane's bedroom…"

"Do not rehash that night, Casey. I know what we all did. Jane and I have put it behind us, I suggest you do as well and stop making our actions out to be more than they were. It was simple gratification for all and an experiment for Jane."

"So all that feeling and the way you two were looking at each other with so much love in both of your eyes. It was not real? It was what, just a show for me so that I could get my rocks off harder? No, Maura, I am not buying it. The way Jane looked at you while she was on top of you with her hand between your thighs pleasuring you, told me that she was and is in love with you and you with her. I felt out of place, like a voyeur watching two people in love _making_ love."

"Casey, Jane loves you. I don't see why all this is even an issue."

"So, you are not in love with Jane? I know for a fact that Jane is in love with you."

"You can't know that for a fact, Casey. Only Jane can answer that for sure."

"No, Maura, I do know."

"How could you possibly know, Casey? Did Jane say she was?"

A swift thrill of hope burned in a bright flash in the eyes of the Medical Examiner. As quickly as it came it left as she schooled her features back into a look of politeness once again. The flare of hope, however, did not go unnoticed by the man sitting across from her.

"Maura, I am going to tell you something and just know I do not and have never talked to anyone about the physical part of my relationship with Jane, but for the sake of love and her happiness I feel I must in this one instance. Last night I made love to Jane. I brought her to an orgasm with my mouth and in the throes of passion she called out your name. Your name, Maura, that's who she called out in thanks and for protection when she was at her most vulnerable. Not mine, she has never called my name out. Jane is very quiet when she reaches the thresh hold of love. The only way I knew she had ever finished in the past is that she would open her eyes and unclench her jaws. After she fell asleep last night I could not sleep. I lay there by her side and looked at our life and what it could be from every side and angle. I asked myself, do I think she cheated with you while I was gone? No, Jane is too honorable and so are you, Maura. I came to the conclusion that neither one of you realize that the one you love, loves you in return. In the face of this fact I also realized another truth about last night. Jane has never called your name before because before all that happened she had was a well hidden fantasy and what happened that night of the dinner finally gave her fantasy a foothold in reality. After weighing out everything from all sides I feel that if I continue down this road with Jane and marriage, it will kill the person whom Jane really is."

"I do not like conjecture, Casey. No matter what you truly believe to be the situation with Jane, only she can truly know what is in her heart and mind."

"Maura, don't you see? Jane has never allowed herself to be her true self. No matter the love I have for her or the romance of a wartime military man coming home to wed his high school sweetheart, Jane is not in this with me heart and soul."

"Just what is she, then?"

"What is she? She is in love with you, Maura Isles. Jane is in love with you. After coming to terms with this, I could no longer lay by the woman I love so desperately. That is why at 4:30 am this morning you could find me out running. To come to terms with all that, I had figured out and how to make it right for Jane for once in her life. After running a few miles and drying a few tears I came up with a plan to test my theory."

"Thus the romantic picnic you invited Jane to."

"Yes, the romantic picnic and ring. I figured if Jane really was in love with me and I had read everything wrong, she would say yes. Even if we had to wait a bit before actually doing the wedding, which would be perfectly fine because we both would have to get things in order for our careers, I would have waited. When Jane looked at me after I gave her the ring, it was not a look of happiness you would expect from a woman who was just proposed to. No, the look she gave me was confusion followed closely by sadness."

"Surely, Casey, you realize Jane is under a great deal of stress today. We have a child taken by a man who is possibly a predator and a killer. You must know that her job does affect her even when she is taking a break."

"Maura, do you not love Jane as I do? Are you not in love with her?"

"Casey, don't."

"Answer me, Maura. Tell me. Either tell me you do not love Jane as a lover would and that I have read everything wrong or tell me I am right. That I am leaving the woman I love with all my heart to someone who feels the same, the woman who loves Jane as I do. Don't even try to be untruthful, Maura, Jane told me about the hives and if you are dishonest about something this important, I don't think there will be enough Benadryl cream in Boston to calm your condition."

Maura had no intention of being anything but honest to this man. This man who embodied the saying if you love a person enough, you let them go. No, no more running. No more silence. With clear eyes imploring her to say the truth, she had no choice but to do exactly that.

"I do love her as you, Casey. I do with all my heart. I have never spoken about it because she was always with men. Honestly, she has never given me any reason to hope for more between us. That night after dinner was a swan song for my love for her. I was going to shove it down, and keep it there until it wasted away and all that would be left was the love for a dear, close friend who essentially gave me the blueprint to the life I now lead. How could I not fall for her?"

"How could you not, indeed. I must say, Maura, I am not a happy man, but I do not hate you or Jane. I think I came along and all of the sudden Jane had an out. I mean an out by way of keeping with the norms of family and especially to stay in the good graces of her mother, Angela."

"Angela is not all that bad, right?"

"I will tell you this. There was a girl in school with us, her name was Sarah. She and Jane hit it off famously. Back then Jane was just my friend; we would hang out and play sports or whatever. With all the time we spent together her mother assumed that we were more than friends. One afternoon I dropped by Jane's house to see if she was free. Her mother answered the door and after yelling for Jane a couple of times she headed up the stairs to get her. Angela opened the door and gasped followed closely by Jane shouting to close the door, which Angela did. Her Mom came down and went straight to her kitchen I could tell she was very angry. A few minutes later Jane and Sarah came down the steps. Sarah's face was mottled and splotchy and poor Jane was so pale. She did not say a word, Jane grabbed my arm and we hauled tail out of her house as fast as we could. I drove us to the bay knowing the ocean always calmed her down. When we got there we got out and walked until we came to the last bench and had a seat. We sat there and for the first time I saw Jane broken. Gone was the fire in her eyes. I held her as the tears came and went. After awhile, Jane told me what happened. Angela walked in on our precious Jane getting her first kiss from her first love of her young teenage life."

"Sarah."

"Sarah. Maura, you have to understand that intentional or not, Jane's family puts an enormous amount of pressure on Jane. All of them, her brothers, her father and especially Angela, who thought the worst thing in the world was to have a gay daughter. After that night when I returned Jane back to her home I never saw the care-free Jane again. In her place was the base of who Jane is today emotionally speaking."

"What happened to Sarah, Casey?"

"Sarah, I felt so badly for her. After many attempts to get Jane to talk to her, she finally tracked me down. She always asks me to tell Jane that she is not angry with her and if her first kiss was to be her choice, she would always choose Jane."

"Did you relay the message to Jane?"

"Yes, of course, Jane was my best friend. I knew she was into girls before she did."

"What was her reaction?"

"She expressed her sadness of causing Sarah pain. She also said something that I thought really odd, and until last night I had forgotten about it. She said a hidden heart will never hurt anyone. During my run this morning it flashed in my mind and the truth and meaning behind her statement staggered me. She is still trying to make the ones around her happy by doing what the others, namely her mother, thinks is right for her. In reality now, today, what is right for Jane is you, Maura. Please do not let her run. Do not let her mother pressure her into a marriage with a man."

"Casey, you know I do not control Jane or her family."

"Maura, you have to try. Be there for her. Be with her. She will not have the strength to stand against the teachings of her mother without you to support her with the love you have for her. The love you two share is so much stronger than what we would ever have. I mean it, Maura. You have to swear to me you will tell Jane of your feelings, and be there for her. See her through the storm that Angela will cause when she finds out that Jane is for once being true to herself."

"Casey, I cannot swear to anything. Jane may not come to me; she may just end up alone."

"Maura, she values you. You are the fucking love of her life. It is not me! It is YOU! Do not make this a wasted, selfless act that I am trying to do so that you two can get together. Please, Maura, let me be her hero one more time who rides off into the sunset knowing he has left the love of his heart with the woman who Jane is actually in love with. Then you can become her hero who loves her and protects her heart from those who do not or will not understand. If I stay, she will end up hating me, then we both will have lost."

"I swear, Casey."

"What?"

I swear to you, Casey, I will be there for Jane."

"And you will tell her of your feelings?"

"Yes, I will tell her of my feelings."

Casey leaned back into the office chair, looking almost deflated. A resigned happiness filled him. He had done his best for his childhood best friend who also happened to be adult love of his life. Looking at the Medical Examiner, he remembered the night of passion he shared with her and Jane. He remembered how she said and did all the right things to pleasure him, but even then beyond the gratification he knew that with him it was an act. With Jane, the pleasure she shared with Maura was more real than anything he and Jane had ever shared. Reaching into his back pocket Casey pulled out an envelope containing a letter to Jane.

"Maura, if you could do me a favor? When you and Jane are a couple, and you will be, give her this for me. Tell her that I see her, I have always seen her. To me she is and will always be my friend. Next time, however, I will expect a pickup game with hopefully you and your children you will have with Jane cheering us on."

"Children? Really, Casey, I think we are getting a little ahead of ourselves. We are not even together yet."

"I know, but you will because you two are meant to be family. Now I have to go. I have to catch my flight."

"You are not going to leave without saying goodbye, are you, Casey?"

"No, I am heading up now. She deserves no less."

"I am sorry for your broken heart, Casey."

"I know it was not intentional, Maura. If there really is any blame, it lies with how she was raised and the pressure she has been under all her life having to hide who she really is."

Getting to his feet, Casey was surprised when Maura came around the desk and gave him a hug. Knowing how physical interactions are a rarity for people who are not Jane, Casey saw it for what it was and graciously accepted the show of kinship between them. After a bit, they let go of each other and he let go of Jane. There would be more tears and a mixed emotion in the beginning, but this was what was right and good. As a military man he was taught to start with the basics and build from there. In this case, the basics were that Jane is a lesbian and she was in love with Maura, who in return, loves Jane. Making his way to the door he remembered his gift for the two women.

"By the way, Maura, I left a good bottle of champagne for you both at Jane's condo. I would be honored to share it with you at the wedding reception."

"First kids now marriage, what next a wedding planner and a honeymoon to an unknown location?"

"Maura, you and Jane will get there. A wedding a life and kids, all of it. You both deserve to be happy. Now it is up to you to get Jane through all that might be coming. When you do that be sure to send an invite for me. Be sure to plus one it. When the ladies know I am a free agent again they'll be swarming my door."

"How lucky are we to know such a modest officer."

Looking at each other they both shared a quiet moment of equivalent wants and needs. Both joined together to as a team to help the Detective they both love to realize her true self and help her find her own happiness.

Thanks for your time and reading my first fic.


	2. Chapter 2

**Stepping Up To Step Away**

Part 2

**A/N** I own nothing; I make no money off of R&I. As for the postings that are coming up, I am happy to let you all know, well those of you who want to read about the night of the dinner at Jane's home will be happy to know that I will be covering that. It will be in-depth. So heads up, it will not be for those who do not like erotica. I am planning on it to be update #4.

Watery rays of morning sunshine filtered through obsessively clean windows to continue on through half-closed blinds that eventually landed on a mass of sleep- wrinkled, white sheets, topped by a plum colored comforter. Lying under the heap of this well woven barricade was an almost awake, brown eyed Italian. Jane rubbed her face and allowed her hand to flop back onto the exposed sheets, unconsciously rubbing her scarred hand across the well made fabric. She frowned at the feel of the coolness under her fingertips, remembering a time when either Casey or her Google Mouth friend, would have occupied the empty area, warming it with their body heat. As she stretched, her foot accidently dislodged her beloved and well spoiled companion, Jo Friday. With an indignant yip, Jo resettled herself as her human ceased all movement. Jane gave off a sarcastic scoff at the little dogs' righteous indignation. When her mind had fully awakened, Jane was once again bombarded with all that was and was not going on in her life. She had so many questions and too little answers. Maybe that was more of a blessing and less of a curse for the detective who spent her professional hours seeking out the truth and slamming down the lies that perpetrators tried to weave in order to save themselves. With a deep breath, she turned her mind to what she had planned for her Saturday, which also included her best friend, Dr. Maura Isles. As she flipped back the bed covers from her sleep warmed body, she sat up and moved her legs to the side of the bed. She shivered as her feet came in contact with the cool, wood laminate floors. Quickly donning a thick pair of socks, she stood up and made her way into her small, but well laid out bathroom. She pushed her underwear and yoga pants down, wincing once again as her bare bottom and thighs came into contact with the cold toilet seat.

"Damn, it doesn't feel like the beginning of spring, not when I have to freeze while just trying to get my day going. If old man winter was real person, I'd arrest him for indecent exposure to my ass."

After she finished with her immediate morning needs she washed and dried her hands. As she hung her hand towel back up, Jane looked at herself in the mirror. The woman staring back at her was in a state of change, she did not know where this feeling came from, but it was there. If Maura were here, Jane knew the M.E. would have some meaningful diagnosis as to what was going on in her brain. Just the thought of the doctor made her smile; moreover, the thought of spending the day, and possibly the night, made her feel even better. From there, her mind journeyed to that afternoon lunch with Casey. As those thoughts marched through her ever active mind, she started to brush her teeth. Since that picnic in the park with Casey, her days had been feeling a little off. If the detective were honest with herself, she would even say a little depressed. Casey was her answer to having the life her Mom wanted for her. Jane thought she had wanted that life for herself also. Now, the whole idea of a wedding and all that is entailed with such an event, did not ring true in her spirit any more. Was she happy with Casey? Sure. Did she love him? Yes. Was she in love with him? Today, standing in her bathroom on this Saturday she could finally answer that question without doubt…**no**. She could not even feel bad about it. Sure she felt bad for Casey and she would always carry a spot of remorse in her heart for the whole situation and her reaction to it. That day, sitting on the blanket in the park, she had never felt her guts twist like she did at that moment. The warning bells that went off in her mind and soul were loud enough to block out all the sounds except for her staggered breath and rapidly beating heart. She knew Casey had read the fear in her eyes by the way he paused. The silence from him had caused her to regain her focus and she continued to listen as his words of choice gave her a way out or to stall until she figured out what she wanted, or so she thought. Imagine her surprise when he came to the BRIC and requested to speak with her. In all honesty, she had been angered at his intrusion into her world where she was herself more than anywhere else. Well, maybe, except for her LLBFFs' couch. Frowning at that memory, Jane thought it curious that Maura pushed for Jane to go and speak with Casey knowing how the detective detested being interrupted while she was on the hunt. 'Would they have?' she thought to herself.

Jane spat out the toothpaste and foam. Turning on the cold tap, she rinsed her mouth and toothbrush. As she dried her face and hands, Jane rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror at the thought of those two colluding together.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Jane growled out at her image, "Shut it down, Jane. Not everything is a mystery. Sometimes Maura is Maura, too good for her own good. "

Replacing her hand towel once more after wiping her mouth and chin, she decided to let the unasked for questions go. More importantly, she had to walk Jo Friday and get ready for her day with Maura.

Thank you for your time and for reading my story.

Rehellams


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a cold but wonderful day for the best friends. Jane sat on Maura's comfortable couch nursing a cup of decaffeinated coffee laced with brandy. Ensconced in socked feet, sweats and a wife beater, the detective grinned as she wiggled her toes enjoying the warmth infusing her body. Between the lively flames that danced in the fireplace, the hot beverage and one blond Medical Examiner tucked into her side, she was the definition of relaxed. The brunettes' mind wandered from thought to thought, but mostly it hovered around the sensation of craving she had for Maura's company and touch. No matter where they were, a casual touch or a chaste grip of an arm or leg seemed to always prevail. If she had read things right, Maura was doing no better. They had yet to talk about the dinner with Casey. As much as Jane hated talking, she knew it needed to be hashed out between the two friends. Earlier, at the art museum, Jane was faced with the naked truth while Maura went to find a restroom. The thoughts were stark and held nothing but a clarity that rang true within her heart and soul. It was a short, bittersweet surrendering to the inevitable. She had always known the truth about herself, but that truth was buried. It was buried so far down that she even forgot about it and as the years passed, even more layers were added. So deep that one day the image she had cultivated to fit in became her true identity. Then along came Maura Isles with her trusty, loving, friendship encrusted shovel. Day by day, for years, the Doctor chipped her way through all the clutter and layers upon layers of denials that built the walls around Jane's truth. Until today. Today, as her friend pulled her into a sideways hug, laughing at a lame joke Jane had told about how lesbians love the Think Pink exhibition, the detective felt the first ray of light fall on a relic of her old self that she had forgotten. Now sitting here with Maura all she could think about was what had transpired between them after Casey had went to sleep. Suddenly feeling tired of not being her true self, Jane decided then and there to just take a leap of faith.

Taking in a mouth full of the spiked coffee, Jane leaned forward and set her cup on a coaster that was nearest to her on the end table. With a cleansing breath, she jumped head first into unknown waters.

"Maura, how do you feel about lesbians?"

"I think they are great, why do you ask?"

"You think they are great?"

"Yes. While I have never been with a self identified lesbian, I have had dalliances with other women."

"You have been with other women before?"

"Yes I have, but the physical interactions that took place were no more than kissing and some light petting. Nothing ever happened beyond that."

A scene flared to life in Jane's mind of her on her knees with her face between her best friends' legs and her tongue attacking the smaller woman's clit while her thumb and index fingers rolled a perfectly shaped nipple. She could still hear the lustful moans of passion filling her ears as she baited and sent the M.E. spiraling towards a climax. A painful twisting desire ripped at her body, forcing Jane to exhale in an attempt to relieve the tightness that made her crave to be wrapped up in the arms of the woman next to her.

Maura, mistaking the shudder as a flash of pain, reached out, turning her body to face Jane's left side. Jane flinched as a smaller hand took up residence on her bare flesh that the bottom of her t-shirt failed to cover. She was trapped between Maura's arm that crossed her mid-section and the arm of the couch. Feeling the urgent need to get up and remove herself from the closeness of her best friend, along with disengaging the, as of yet known by Maura, soft, seductive touch of Maura's stroking fingertips. Her muscles surged with energy to act on this feeling, when a teenage version of Jane burst into her mind. Dressed in a black t-shirt under a scruffy unbuttoned button down, ripped jeans and her father's combat boots, the image of her teenage self glared at the older Jane with such intensity that it tamped out the need for escape. The detective sagged back against the couch allowing her head to loll over onto the blonde's chest coming to rest between her shoulder and breast. It was almost painful as the adrenalin drained quickly from her body, leaving her limp.

Concerned, the M.E. brought her hand up from Jane's waist to run her fingers through the dark bangs covering her best friend's forehead.

"Jane, are you alright?"

Unable to speak yet, she answered Maura by nodding her head in the positive. A moment to just breathe in the scent of Maura and to feel the loving ministration of Maura's caress that echoed the worry of her sudden change in demeanor. Not wanting the woman next to her to continue to worry, Jane lifted her head and leaned back just a bit to catch Maura's eye, she gave a tentative smile and with a deep breath she forged ahead. Determined for the first time in twenty something years to give life to a part of herself that she had hid. To have the courage to come clean about whom she had been in love with for a quarter of those years.

"Maura?"

Seeing Maura tilt her head in polite askance, Jane could not help but smile at how beautiful her friend was, even when she was just being her own quirky, nerdy self.

"Jane?"

"Huh?"

"You needed something?"

"Oh, yes. Needing, right, we need. Yes, we need to talk."

"About?"

"About the night of the dinner and a couple of other things I shared with you."

"You mean the one at your home with Casey?"

"Yep, that would be the one. Yes."

"Jane, I don't think I can do that. I believe it would bring up unwanted tension between us because it once again would bring to light that I have feelings for you. More than a friend should have."

"Maur, it is ok."

"Really Jane, I am beyond it just being ok? How can we sit here and discuss that when you know how it affects my emotions. I would think if..."

"Maura, you are not alone."

"Alone? Are you saying? Jane, just what are you saying?"

"I'm saying, Maura Isles, let me re-introduce myself to you. My name is Jane Clementine Rizzoli. I am a lesbian and I am in love with you.


	4. Chapter 4

**Stepping Up To Step Away**

Don't own them. Don't make any revenue. Be aware this is the dinner scene and is very naughty in parts. Some may even say NC17. That would be prudish of course. Joking people. It really does deal with a lot of sex. Okay, I said my peace. Hope you enjoy. Review and or follow if you want, I want you to, but may the force be with you my fair reader. I mean choice. Man, I have a sudden itch to mind crush now.

**Last week:**

_"You needed something, Jane?"_

_"Oh, yes. Needing, right, we need. Ahem, yes, we need to talk."_

_"About?"_

_"About the night of the dinner and a couple of other things I shared with you, Maura."_

_"You mean the dinner at your home with Casey?"_

_"Yep, that would be the one. Yes."_

_"Jane, I don't think I can do that. I believe it would bring up unwanted tension between us because it once again would bring to light that I have feelings for you. More than a friend should have I am afraid."_

_"Maur, it is ok."_

_"Really Jane, I am beyond it just being… Ok? How can we sit here and discuss that when you know how it affects my emotions. I would think if..."_

_"Maura, you are not alone."_

_"Alone? Are you saying? Jane, just what are you saying?"_

_"I'm saying, Maura Isles, let me re-introduce myself to you. My name is Jane Clementine Rizzoli. I am a lesbian and I am in love with you._

**Part 4**

"So, you're a 'lesbian' now."

Silence overtook the moment but it was pregnant with confusion, acceptance and a 'thank all that's holy' all rolled into one.

"Does this mean an 'us'? A 'we can be more than just friends' us?"

"If you like and will have me that way, Maur." Jane looked away in thought for a moment. "You know ever since that night of the dinner, Maura, I have been so afraid of myself. As the weeks went by, I grew so tired of the knot that formed in my gut. It was there eating away at me, forcing me to see it for what it was."

"What was it?" Seeing the glint appear in brown eyes across from her, Maura was hesitant to guess. Never-the-less she did. "The knot was your minds way of telling you that you are gay?"

"Nope. Don't start guessing, Dr. Isles. You're no good at it." Now an evil grin took over the detective's face. "The knot was telling me that I wanted to eat you out again. I want to hear you breathe my name like a whispered prayer that can only be answered by me and my body."

The words sent a shiver of need that slithered its way through her upper body to settle between her legs. There, it sparked off a throb that enveloped the Doctor. "Well Jane, I can agree. That night was full of things that I thought I would never experience with you. If I may be so bold, what made you decide to share that with me? I always am curious if you would have ever done it if Casey were not there. Would you have, ever?"

"Honestly, no I don't think so. I was a coward when it came to that."

"You are no coward, Jane. Also, you are allowed to say the word sex." The blond gave her friend a cheeky smile full of mirth.

"I was and I know I can say..._that word_." A raised dark brow on the lean detective was the only glimmer of mischief to show on the otherwise calm face. "I remember that night. Us. Him. I just wish it had been us. I love you, Maur. That night was beautiful, but it had one too many involved in the bedroom."

Both women got lost in thought, remembering the night that had ultimately brought them together.

_They shifted one and all using one hand to trail over each other's body. Maura skimmed her hand lower to Casey's hip, down to the inside of his thighs. Curious fingers traveled up and over his manly, coarse hair gently. Finally the M.E.'s hand came up and was about to grip Casey's manhood when Jane reached out and grabbed her hand in a delicate grip. Jane placed her hand in between Maura's hand and her boyfriend's hard member, shielding the fair skin from having to directly touch her boyfriend's manhood. Accomplishing this, the dark haired brunette began to firmly jerk Casey off. With little direction she encouraged Maura to cup her hand around her pumping fist in order to give Casey a good show of two women stroking his impressive hard on. At the site of the two beautiful ladies working his body over, the military man almost lost his mind and had an orgasm then and there. Easing their very pleasurable hands off of him he physically negotiated Jane onto her back. He turned and then caressed Maura's shoulder while easing her face down on top of Jane. Getting the idea of what he wanted, the women sorted themselves so that Jane's pussy was angled just right so that Casey could penetrate her. Not gaining enough depth because of Maura's round delicious ass, they maneuvered a pillow under Jane to bring her up off the bed in a better position for fucking her. Casey looked down into Jane's eyes and he could tell being under Maura, naked, nipple to nipple and nether regions pressed hard against one another, was driving his girlfriend insane with want. Eyes almost black lusted, met, and stayed. Jane was secretly was imagining that it was only Maura about to enter her. Just the thought of the Doctor pushing deeply into her dripping apex, brought her almost to the point of passing out. Maura, seeing the untold love of her life in such an overwhelming state of passionate distress, placed sweet kisses on her best friend's forehead while whispering soothing words. Casey waited for just the right time to plunge into Jane because he knew she was so close to having the most powerful orgasm he had yet to see her experience. Watching Maura whisper to Jane as she trailed calming fingers over the officer's face and neck turned him on even more. At Jane's nod of approval, Casey gave himself over to his pleasure and shoved himself balls deep into Jane, in one stroke. He was glad for the alcohol piping through his veins, because if not for that, he would have shot his load upon entering. _

_Later on, after giving Casey all the pleasure he could handle, Jane and Maura decided to leave the bedroom and move to the living room. Their intent was to wind down from the evening. Quietly, they left the bed, heading to the door. They picked up their clothes along the way. Jane opened the door and allowed Maura to go through before her. Smiling as Maura went by, Jane glanced back over to Casey to make sure he was still asleep before she gently closed the door. _

_As she turned to speak, Jane was rendered speechless as she took in the continued state of her friend's nudity. What really stole the breath from her body was the look of desperate need that was clear and present in hungry green eyes. Always one to crack a joke or at least pull a smirk, Jane quickly found it hard to pull the trigger on either one of her trademark reactions. Still aroused by the M.E., she was drawn to the other woman, moving towards her with unknowing steps. Blind to everything else, Jane stood before Maura. They were still locked in a pheromone alpha/beta war. Sighing, she dropped her eyes to take in the lips she had kissed. When she returned her eyes to Maura's, Jane was taken aback at the tears in her friend's eyes. _

_"Maura, what's wrong?"_

_"Oh, Jane, I'm so sorry. I thought I could just let you go. Let it go."_

_"Maura, what are you talking about?"_

"_Jane, I have to ask. Please, Jane, let it just be us just once. Please, I need you alone so badly. I ache, Jane. I ache on the inside for you. Just looking at you...please let it be me...just this once"_

_"Maur, I wish...Maura, it has to be not real out loud."_

_"Not real out loud? Jane, I don't know what you mean."_

"_I want you to, Maur. It just cannot be reality."_

"_You mean you want it to remain like an experiment." _

"_Yes, Maur. I want you to, but it has to be that way."_

"_Just to clarify, if we continue to pleasure one another, you would classify our joining as an experiment."_

"_No. Yes? I'm scared, Maur." Jane admitted with a forced whisper. _

_Maura's heart broke at the admission. She had done what she had feared she would do. She had frightened Jane. Embarrassed and heartbroken she pulled away. She was surprised when the long, strong arms of her best friend tightened around her, preventing it._

"_No, Maur. Stay." _

_Gathering her courage and fortitude, Jane pushed the unease down until it no longer wreaked havoc with her emotions. Taking a deep breath that was flavored with the sweet essence of the woman in her arms, Jane forced herself to focus on that. After several minutes her body, of its own will, started to respond. Still, something was holding her back.__Jane was so overwhelmed by being this close to the naked M.E. She had to close her eyes against the burgeoning feelings of the unknown that was scaring her once again. More than anything else she trusted her friend so by pure instinct she laid her head against the smaller woman's shoulder, seeking the shelter that only Maura could provide, as her body began to shake.__Taking a deep breath, Jane tried to settle herself. She placed a soft kiss against the junction of her best friend's neck and shoulder._

"_Jane, honey, please. I am really attracted to you and I still want you."_

"_Maur, I just cannot ... it has to be a fantasy or something. I just can't." _

_Tears of anguish slipped out of Jane's eyes landing on Maura's naked shoulder. Something was upsetting her and it was disrupting Jane as she knew herself to be to her core. Not wanting this to continue, she tried to bolt away from being held, but deceptively strong arms held her in place._

"_Jane, please sweet lady.__Shh, it's going to be alright. Stay with me, Jane. It is just us. You know I would never hurt you. It's not worth our friendship." _

"_I want you to, Maur. I just...it just cannot be real, Maura, please. I don't know what's going on. Why am I feeling this way? It feels so right, but isn't it wrong?"_

_Maura pulled back as Jane raised her head from her shoulder. She still saw the raw need in her friend's eyes, but there was also something else. Deciding to move forward Maura kissed the detective deeply. With that kiss, she vowed, to herself, that this would be the first and last time they would ever be this way with one another, in this capacity. _

"_Do you want me?"_

"_Yes." Jane admitted in a low, tortured voice._

"_This is an experiment then. If that is what you need to hear. This is an experiment for you."_

_Like a starving animal being unleashed from a cage, Jane attacked the M.E.'s lips. She pushed her tongue into the honey blonds' mouth without remorse. Jane felt her own wetness grow as__Maura began to thrust herself against her left thigh. Not being close enough, Maura wrapped her arms around the tall brunette, bringing their bodies tighter together._

_Jane craved this. Maura, her Maura, nothing else mattered. It was the just the two of them. She had never been so wet. Her body overflowed with want. She raised a shaking hand to Maura's cheek, pulling her up for another hard, wet, tongue twisting kiss that shook both of their souls. Releasing her lips, Jane asked in a broken whisper, for permission from the M.E. to pleasure her. At the go ahead, Jane brought her left hand up and wet her long middle and index fingers in her mouth. Pushing her hand between their bodies while kissing down the refined neck, she entered Maura. Jane began to move in and out slowly. The essence of her friend flowed in copious amounts. The need to please Maura drove Jane to relinquish control over her movements and began to finger fuck her good Doctor swiftly and deeply. _

_Maura was defenseless against the onslaught. Desire erased the heart splitting word 'experiment' from her mind as a dark, all encompassing craving for the Italian woman took reign over everything and anything.__The shorter blond woman looked deeply into her taller friend's eyes and saw a pool of need fueled by an abundant supply of uncontrolled desire. Without knowing how, Maura found herself seated on the couch with Jane kneeling between her legs. With one lick of her best friend's warm, velvety rough, wet tongue up through her center, the world as she knew it ceased to exist. It was only the two of them. Jane, the one, the only, badass detective whom she had always desired in secret and herself. That thought alone was the ultimate fantasy, but that was until Jane demonstrated her never-before-used oral skills. Jane's tongue was dynamic. The body's most perfect muscle was performing acrobatics on her most sensitive area under the direction of her best friend. _

"_Oh my good God, Jane, do not stop!" Shivering uncontrollably at the amount of desire pulsing though her body, the M.E. had to remind herself to keep her eyes open. She wanted to cement everything of this moment to her inside of her skull, because if this was her only chance to be with the one person she ever truly gave her heart away to, she was damn sure going to remember it. _

"Wow, I have to say, that night was very enlightening, in more ways than one." Jane arched her back as she straightened out her legs and brought her palms together, executing a much-needed stretch to help drain off the tension that had developed while thinking back to that night.

Maura watched Jane move with feline grace. All that was missing, she thought, was a forest, and a beam of sunshine curling through the leaves of the trees ending its destination upon the ever-present tanned skin that covered the detective. Shaking her head, Maura cleared away her not-so-pure thoughts.

"Jane, where does that leave us now?"

"Well, my beautiful M.E., that is up to you. For myself, I would love to be with you in every way. I love you, Maura. That's the truth of it. If you choose to wait, I'll respect that. I do not want to, but for you, I will."

"I don't want to wait, Jane."

"What do you want?"

"I want you to follow me to my bedroom and lay with me in my bed tonight."

Sharing a dimpled smile the two women took each other's hand and headed for the stairs that led to a bed that would witness the joining of two halves of a soul, become one.


	5. Chapter 5

Shifting shadows created by candlelight denoted the movement of two lovers in the grips of an intoxicating thirst of wanton desire, which one could believe, on this night, would never be satisfied. Passion blazed again between the two best friends turned lovers. Every caress was soft and claiming. Every breath was mixed and inhaled to create another layer to an ever-strengthening bond, changing the ever present thought of '_I want her'_ to '_finally, I can touch her'_. Tossed and tumbling across the bed Jane and Maura gave of themselves to each other as they had never given before, to anyone. Their sweat-slicked bodies sliding to greet the others touch, only to shudder as penetration was felt upon each other's finger tips. Each woman was driven to turn into reality what was previously just a secret desire. That desire survived in the recesses of their souls where only dreams lived. It was nourished and sheltered under the bonds of their friendship. Their eyes caught and held, and as they fell over the edge, neither shied away. Both women had heard that the eyes were the windows to the soul, having never understood that until they saw their own image reflected in the other's eyes. Mixed with the love and tenderness, was an infinitesimal sprig of sadness in knowing that this step had forever changed them. Gone were the walls of friendship that kept their secret hidden from others, including themselves. Now, they must face the world, letting all know that they were together in every sense. The moon that night, in the wee hours of the morning, bore witness to the birth and acceptance of a feeling of love that was as old as time itself. The moonlight, with its mysterious beams, almost seemed hesitant to give up its view upon the lovers, but as the sun must rise so the moon must set. Continuing its westerly journey as the sound of fevered breaths calmed and bodies now replete with sated emotions relaxed, the moon rejoiced in having witnessed these two souls becoming one, once again.

Bright rays of morning sunshine filtered through clean windows to continue on through half-closed curtains that eventually landed on a mass of sleep-wrinkled, white sheets, topped by a plush Italian silk hand-stitched comforter. Lying under the heap of this well woven barricade was an almost awake, brown eyed Italian. Jane rubbed her face and allowed her hand to gently reclaim its place upon the exposed shoulder of her lover, unconsciously rubbing her scarred hand along the very feminine contours. She smiled at the feeling of warmth under her fingertips, remembering last night as she became lovers with the Medical Examiner. Almost bursting with the zeal of finally being able to love the way she had longed to do all her adult life. What intensified the feeling was the fact that the person she had shared her first time same-sex love with was her, indeed, truest of loves. Frowning, she studied the ceiling as an image of Casey flitted through her mind. No, Casey was never that. He was a stand in. A person she did not entirely use, but used in a way to hold off her family and others who would otherwise call into question feelings that were, until now, best left secured deep inside herself. Now, she could care less who knows that she prefers women when it comes to sex. Never had she felt so whole and full of life as she did this morning. Deciding on the best course of action would be using the facilities to freshen up, then a good breakfast that will surely please even the M.E.'s discerning tastes. Shifting out of bed, Jane slightly stretches and bends over at the waist to work out the kinks in her back from laying in bed for so long. Grinning she remembered that not all the aches come from being an unmoving lump in bed. Some, especially the gentle ache that made itself known form within her womanhood, was the ever so delicious fault of Maura and her hands. Who knew such small hands could bring her to the most honking big orgasms she has ever felt. Wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knee, the detective literally jumped at the sensation of a warm hand squeezing a butt cheek.

"Now that is pure art." Came a satisfied voice of her lover.

Jane released herself from the all out stretch and twisted around leaping on top of the prone honey that was still in bed.

"You are so going to pay for that, Isles." Jane furiously worked at getting the shorter woman's arm up over her head, pinning her down to the mattress.

Not one to give in so easily, Maura wrapped her legs around the slender waist of her lover and with a move born of years of yoga practice; she flipped Jane and quickly mounted her. With an arm locking move to her by the detective she rendered her humorously ferocious attacker, harmless.

"Take that Rizzoli. I have you now." A pleased grin was firmly in place on the top woman's face. Jane looking at the expertly executed arm-lock relaxed back. She decided being pinned by the gorgeous woman was more benefit than loss. Besides, some of God's most beautiful boobs were within eyesight.

"Yep. You got me." Brown eyes quietly moved over the sexy landscape that made the M.E.'s body so titillating.

Maura noticed the roving eyes of her lover. A pleased but also shy smile made its way across Maura's face. As eyes caught and held the smile faded replaced by a sudden eruption of lust that flamed to life once more from the embers of last night's passion. Kissing long and deep, the two women were forced apart by oxygen starved lungs.

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh is right. Doc as much as I want to right now, I really think we should get our day started."

Taking a deep calming breath Maura relaxed against the warm, sexy body below her. Placing a kiss on a nearby collar bone, she laid her head down on Jane's chest.

"Jane? Will we always be this way with each other?"

"I believe in us Maur. I'm not saying there won't be any bumps along the road, but I…." Gathering her thoughts the dark haired woman struggled for the right words. "I personally have come too far to turn away from anything that will come up. For me Maura, you are it. I only faced myself and the feeling I have had all my life because I was so tired of fighting myself. Trying to convince myself that I did not love you more than just a friend, was something I couldn't do anymore."

"Am I the first woman you have had feeling for?"

"Honestly? No. The first was a girl in high school, Sarah."

Maura could not help but tense at the mention of Sarah's name. Jane being literally wrapped around her lover felt it.

"Maur, it's no big deal. I was young, we were young. It probably would not have gone anywhere anyway."

"But it was not fair Jane."

"What's not fair?"

Lifting her body off the one underneath her, Maura sat up folding her legs so that she was sitting Indian style. Looking at Jane she ran her hand absently through her honey blond hair.

"I do not think it was fair that your mother constrained your sexuality when you yourself were just discovering it."

"My Ma...how do you know what happened that day?"

"Before we get into that, how about we both get ready for the day and then we have some breakfast with lots of coffee?"

"You're not trying to avoid are you, Maura?"

"No, Sweet Lady, I am most certainly not."

Giving her most severe stare down, Jane allowed a smile to take its place after the M.E. remained steady.

"Sounds good and coffee sounds even better, but you are not off the hook, Doctor Isles."

"I would not dream of trying to push one over on you Detective Rizzoli."

"It's 'pull one over on you' Maur. Not push."

"You know what I mean. Shower together or separately?"

"As much as I want to see you naked and wet, I believe if we want that coffee, we better shower separate."

"You must know how disappointing I find your answer. I do have a request."

"Request away, Maur."

Leaning forward Maura kissed the detective long and slow. Pulling away she smirked at the still closed brown eyes.

"Tonight, my wonderful lover, we share a bath so that we may both take pleasure in finding out just how erotic our wet skin will feel."

Drawing a much needed breath, Jane nodded her head.

"Wet skin. Bath. Good."

Climbing off the bed Maura made sure to make a show of sashaying across the floor to the bathroom. With a sexy wink thrown over her shoulder at Jane, she gently closed the door.

"She is going to kill me. How am I supposed to survive that?"

Shaking her dark curls, Jane pulled herself out of bed and headed for the guest bath. As she showered the question of how Maura knew about that time and Sarah filtered through her mind again. Shutting off the spray, she dressed and headed down stairs to await the M.E. and the answers to her questions.


	6. Chapter 6

**Don't own them or make any money. They are not mine; I just respectfully play with them. Sorry for the wait. **

_Part 5 recap:_

_Lifting her body off the one underneath her, Maura sat up folding her legs so that she was sitting Indian style. Looking at Jane she ran her hand absently through her honey blond hair._

"_I do not think it was fair that your mother constrained your sexuality when you yourself were just discovering it."_

"_My Ma...how do you know what happened that day?"_

"_Before we get into that, how about we both get ready for the day and then we have some breakfast with lots of coffee?"_

Part 6

Maura took her time to make sure her face was up to her normal standard of perfection. Finishing, she gave her image one more glance. Nodding in approval, she turned and crossed the threshold from her master suite to the hallway that would take her to the stairs that led to where Jane had, from the smell of it, coffee brewing. The envelope from Casey was clutched in her left hand. Nerves that were previously kept at bay with the M.E.'s every day morning rituals, made themselves known in the most pervasive way. With a trembling sigh she continued to make her way to the kitchen, with the hope that Jane would be understanding when she found out that Casey had came to her first before seeing the Detective to, in essence, break off their engagement. Stepping off the last riser onto the downstairs area, her hazel eyes were greeted with laughing brown ones. Smiling back, Maura walked over to the kitchen island and slid the envelope across to Jane.

"What's this, Maur?"

Glancing down at the item, Maura bit her bottom lip while thinking of a way to explain. Jane cleared her throat, which caused her to bring her eyes back to Jane. Deciding on just the truth, Maura took a breath.

"It's a letter from Casey."

Arching her brow in confusion, Jane's mind swirled with questions. "Ok? And you have it, why?"

Clasping her hands, Maura kept eye contact and made sure with her body language that Jane knew she was holding nothing back.

"Because he came to see me the day he left. It was before he spoke with you."

Jane dropped her head to look at the granite top, marking the surface with her eyes while she mulled the information over in her mind. Caressing it with her fingertips, she took a breath and hoped that with the next answer her heart would not be hurt by her best friend now lover.

"Maura, did you tell him to go away? I mean I know you; you don't lose without some fight. I would understand why if you did, but…"

"No sweet girl, I did not. No matter my love and feelings for you, I would never assume that kind of power in your life. I, frankly, was a little, please excuse my crudeness, pissed that he walked in to my office and basically demanded to speak with me. By the end, however, I must say I found a new respect for Casey."

"I didn't see that coming."

"Neither did I, Jane. I had to take a moment and re-examine all he said after he left my office." Pausing to sip her coffee, Maura couldn't help the small grin that took over her lips as she tasted a hint of chocolate that her lover had a habit of adding to her own coffee on her days off from being a detective. "Jane, this coffee is delicious. I normally would not indulge myself to prepare it this way, however, I think it makes it all the more special when I wait until you prepare it."

"So you think Casey was just tired of me?"

"I think he just was not as blind to things as we were."

Silence prevailed as both women enjoyed their coffee. Slightly lost in their thoughts of what could have brought Casey to the point of saying goodbye. Tapping the envelope on its edge, Jane stared at Maura contemplating all the angles. With her left hand she tore it open with decisiveness and removed the handwritten letter.

"If you will excuse me, Jane, I will leave you to read in privacy. Come and find me when you're done."

"Maur, stay here with me please. I want you to read this with me, so come on over here."

Maura grabbed her cup and moved around the island and cuddled into Jane's side as Jane unfolded the letter one handed.

_Jane,_

_By now you have figured out whom your heart really belongs to. I made the decision to leave because once again I saw the past repeating itself. That night we all had our bit of fun was the night that I had to finally accept that you loved me, but you loved Maura more. Does my heart hurt? Yes. I had rather hurt now, than to watch your soul slowly dying because once again you were doing what you thought your family expected of you, instead of doing what would make you happy. I was there that day that your Mom caught Sarah and yourself kissing in your bedroom. I saw that same look you gave her before that day and it is the same one you give to Maura. Maura is a wonderful person, if she were anything less, I would not be so comfortable with giving you up in thinking that you will pursue her. I hope that she is with you now. I know you are a sensitive, compassionate woman who tries to hide all her soft spots from those around here. Do not hide your tenderness from her, Jane, she loves you. I now know as wonderful as I could have been for you, she will be better. I have given this a lot of thought so please do not think I left you out of anything other than being your friend. As your friend I do expect a wedding invitation when you two get hitched. I say that with the upmost confidence. You were made for her, Jane, and she was made for you. Take a chance; love the lady like you have always wanted to. If, in the future you two want kids, I have made a deposit at New Hope Fertility Center. You can find all the information concerning that and my medical history in a box marked 'CJMR' in your closet at home. I neither expect nor accept anything in return for doing this. This is a no strings attached offer. Only you and Maura will have the rights to the child or children if you choose to have them. Jane, I do love you, you are one of my closest friends. I support you in whatever you decide. Thank you for the past embraces of sensuality, but it is now time for you to be truly in love. _

_Best to you and Maura,_

_Casey _

_P.S. We will drink_ _the champagne at your wedding._

Using her thumb, Maura caught a tear drop that almost fell from her eye.

"Quite the letter if I do say so."

"You ain't Whistling Dixie there."

"You know I always found that saying very strange."

"Don't do wiki right now." Jane turned and smiled to let Maura know she was joking. "Well, what do you think about this?"

"I think he covered all the bases, from support to our future marriage and possible children."

"Do you want kids?"

"Yes."

"You want kids with me?"

"Of course, I have never envisioned anyone else. I have loved you for a very long time, Jane. I never thought I would have the chance to love you. I often wondered if I was ever good enough for you."

"Maur, come on, you know for me you are perfect, crazy quirks and all."

"Now do we tell your family? Do you want to keep it quiet? I'm with you Jane, we do this together."

"When do you want to tell your parents?"

"Not necessary, they know."

"You told them very quickly, I admire you for that."

"It was not quick, Jane, I told them around two years ago."

Jane was hit with a sensation running down her spine at Maura's words.

"You knew we were going to be together that long ago?"

"No, my Detective, I did not. I was sure that we would never be here and when Angela said that you were going to marry Casey one day, I just hid my feelings."

Silence fell as Jane digested this bit of information. Shaking her head she felt almost angry with her mother for once again speaking up where she had no business interfering.

"While we are on the subject, Jane, do you feel comfortable discussing Sarah?"

"I do, but let's go back to my place so I can show you a picture of her. That way it will be easier for you to understand one of the things that now make me uneasy. It doesn't have anything to do with how I feel for you, I love you. There is a side to me that you have never seen, nobody has since my youth. Even then it was sporadic."

"Oh a mystery, how wonderful, here I thought I knew everything about you, Jane."

"Ok Sherlock, let's go so you can figure it out."

Gathering the keys and Maura's basic clutch purse, the two lovers left. The pair had never been at such opposite emotions at the same time, one woman bursting with curiosity, the other slightly uneasy. Jane knew if she were to fully honor Casey's request, then she would have to come totally clean about herself to Maura. Anything else would still perpetuate the lie she had started building when she was a teenager. She only hoped that Maura would still see her in the same light, as her strong protector.


	7. Chapter 7

I do not own or make any money from Rizzoli and Isles. I just write because mainstream American entertainment refuses to take two women who are in love with each other seriously. Like there are no gay people in America? The world even?

_Gathering the keys and Maura's basic clutch purse, the two lovers left. The pair had never been at such opposite emotions at the same time, one woman bursting with curiosity, the other slightly uneasy. Jane knew if she were to fully honor Casey's request, then she would have to come totally clean about herself to Maura. Anything else would still perpetuate the lie she had started building when she was a teenager. She only hoped that Maura would still see her in the same light, as her strong protector._

Part 7

Maura stood in Jane's condo making up two cups of, much to her surprise, organic green tea. It was not her 'panda poop' tea as Jane had nicknamed it, but it was without the usual ingredients found in American teas. So it was a gold star for the thoughtful, energetic and sometimes overly enthusiastic lover. Maura had to smile. The things they had done to each other's bodies over the past 36 hours put every erotic tale the M.E. had ever watched or read to shame. The blush of eroticism was evident on her body as Jane came back into the kitchen and placed a sturdy box made of heavy chipboard on the counter. Maura slid the gently steaming cup of tea towards the now seated companion who was riffling through the box which contained mostly pictures and a few trinkets. A few which Maura herself had purchased for Jane. She was amazed to see the sentimental side of the Detective. She always knew Jane to be a sort of 'meat and potatoes' kind of woman. Never would she suspect that a hastily shaped, by her own hand, bird made out of coffee stirrers would be valued enough to make it into what seemed to be Jane's keepsake box. It thrilled her to know that her gifts, no matter how rudimentary, were valued.

Jane placed her cup back onto the countertop and smacked her lips at the tangy taste of lemon and honey mixed in her tea. Knowing Maura usually stuck to plain tea 24-7, it made her even more aware how they both women were amazingly in tune with each other. Smirking silently, Jane was sure one day her love was going to switch over and become a fan of sweets just as she was.

"Don't even think it, Rizzoli." Maura uttered before taking another sip of the fragrant, hot beverage.

Shaking her head, Jane glanced up at Maura and grinned. "Do you really know what I was thinking about so quietly, Lady?" Jane playfully groused at the Doctor.

Raising an eyebrow, Maura tilted her head to one side to try and catch the brunette's eye. "Jane, my ever so sweet loving lover, I know you would love nothing more than for us to sit, watch a game and munch on food stuff that makers of car wax will not even put in their own products. What are you looking for, by the way?"

Sitting back with a handful of photos, Jane eyed them with a sudden look of sad fondness. It was a secret stash that she had horded and secreted away with an almost obsessive intent. These few photos gave truth to who she was deep inside herself. With almost a savage-like need to hide it away so she could never feel so weak and out of control ever again as she felt that day when her Mom had caught Sarah kissing her fully for the first time. Tears sprang unexpectedly into her eyes as she pulled the few photos that were taken of her and Sarah at a few different parties that the young couple had attended. Most parties were not welcoming as these were. Surprisingly Casey had been one of the first 'cool jocks' to invite them to a party he had in honor of a football team victory. Jane was brought out of her thoughts as a pair of warm arms squeezed her shoulders and a pair of lips brushed a tender kiss at her temple. She smiled her thanks up at Maura whose eyes were full of concern. Maura knew that Jane just did not cry on a whim, whatever this was affected her very deeply.

"Why all the tears my sweet, love?"

"It's all good, Maur. I just took a trip to nostalgia and got caught up in old feelings. No worries, but this is what I wanted to talk to you about."

"The photos, they are of you and Sarah. It is Sarah, right?"

"Yes."

"May I see them or would you prefer to tell me about it first?"

Without a word, Jane handed over the small batch of images that were slightly worn. Drinking her last bit of hot tea, Jane gathered both cups to wash and put away more so to give Maura some space to look through her printed memories than anything else.

Maura looked at the photos and was struck by how beautiful Jane was at that age. As she went through each image she admired how sweet Jane looked when the camera caught a few shots of her and Sarah looking into each other's eyes. It was almost electric shock as her mind's eye suddenly flashed onto a running theme in all the images she has looked at so far. Jane was dressed in, dresses? Looking more closely at Sarah, Maura saw the signs that she skipped over because she was so used to Jane dressing in the same way now, which was a butch like way. Knowing that this was the reason for Jane's upset, but not understanding why confused the M.E. Not one for not knowing or understanding something, Maura turned to Jane who looked back at her.

"I don't understand, Jane."

Taking a breath while she pushed her dark hair back away from her face, Jane looked away and then back at her Maura.

"Maur, what do you see?"

"Predominately regarding the pictures?" At Jane's nod, she continued. "I see you in a dress and Sarah in a more 'butch' style."

Eyes, brown and hazel were steady as ideas flitted through Maura's mind. Then it hit her. No. It could not be. The clothes. The swagger. The smirks. The overall confidence. Jane was…

"You're a Fem at heart?"

The hot blush that filled Jane's cheeks answered her question. The revelation was heartbreaking in its own way.

"Jane, sweetheart, you have always visually identified yourself as, pardon the reference, butch."

"You're right, I have."

"Your identity is everything, Jane. It's how we as humans socially group ourselves. We all tend to gather with others that are the same as ourselves or most like so that we may find a mate."

"Maura the one thing I learned was that I could never be myself and live the life that I had dreamt that I would live." Jane felt inadequate with her words. Her mind was a jumble of emotions mixed in with years of self taught survival skills that ultimately culminated into her silence. After a few minutes of silence and seeing the turmoil her love was in, Maura decided to forge ahead with what she hoped was a way to move beyond Jane's fear.

"Sweetheart we have to talk about this, but I will not force you to go into anything that you are not ready to discuss, ok?"

No words, just a nod of approval from the shaken woman.

"Right, okay. We have established that you are fem. Do you, the fem Jane, would you really like to dress more… more like me?"

"Yes, but no pink. I would love to be able to wear some of your clothes. To be able to be pretty, that would mean the world to me." Jane's eyes lit with glee as she pictured her body wrapped in one of Maura's evening gowns with matching heels. "Unfortunately I can't dress like that and still command the respect I have cultivated and maintained over the years. Really Dyke Jane is all they know and anything beyond that would be a loss of my cred and respect."

Maura gently rubbed Jane's back as she carefully laid out her questions in her mind to traverse the landscape of her lovers psyche.

"Jane, do you wish to explore this part of yourself?"

"I do Maur, but how? When I have everybody around me dropping in unexpectedly, hell even your home is out because Ma lives in your guest house!"

"If I understand this correctly, you feel you are unable to bring to life the truest part of yourself because you fear your family and friends would discover you are opposite of who you built yourself to be in their eyes. Also, you are afraid to be seen as weak, because you equate your femininity with that presumed weakness."

"Fuck me Maur you really do understand."

Jane allowed her body to collapse against the blonds' body. Two arms instantly curled around her waist and pulled her tightly against the smaller woman's body.

"Language Jane, cursing is so beneath a beautiful mind as yours! Yes, I do get it." They held each other, just breathing the other in. "Jane, honey, can you tell me about the day Angela caught you kissing Sarah?"

"Yeah, I think I need to Maur." Nestling closer to Maura, Jane chuckled lightly at the memory of the almost kiss between herself and Sarah.

"Maura you have to understand. This kiss was the first kiss we shared. Our hearts were about to beat out of our chest, but we were going for it. She had just laid me back against my pillow as she leaned half over me with my head cradled on her forearm. Her lips had just touched mine. It was so sweet. Then Ma happens. The door opens there is Ma. She looks and stares, we stare back at her. Then the anger washes over her face. I whispered to Sarah to go home, she did not want to. She was almost as stubborn as I am today, but I implored her to go because I did not want Ma to turn her anger on Sarah. With a squeeze she left my room after she gave Ma a look. After that I just sat there and took her words until she was all talked out and left."

Moved to the point of having no words Maura offered up kisses and hugs to soothe her love. Surrounded by love Jane could no longer hold back the tears of shame and confusion. Most of all, she cried for the teenager that chose to hide herself behind a butch persona because she swore to let nobody have power over her again. The abuse she received by way of her mother questioning her over and over, alternately spitting back at her the fact that she was pretty and did not dress like a dyke that there was no way she could be gay. Angela had finally left her alone and when she was sure she would not run into her mother she took off hoping to find Sarah, instead she ran into Casey at the front door. She just looked at him. Without a word he grabbed her arm and went to his car, got in and took off. They wound up on a bench watching the sun fade out over the rolling waves. As the sun faded so did her image of herself. Beautifully pretty Jane lay down and surrendered to sarcastic butch Jane. The Jane that would dare anyone to say anything about her again, she never looked back. Through the years from then on, Jane stood her ground; she fought her way through to live her life as she wanted. The only thing she allowed to fade was her attraction to women. Living day in day out, occasionally seeing the odd man to keep her mother off her back; all of them would be cast aside because of the lack of desire. Then Casey came back and it was so easy to fall in line and become the 'wife'. To finally be what her mother desired. Once again, Casey, after seeing his friend outside the bubble they had created together realized that Jane was truly gay. He had seen her and the love she had tricked herself into believing was just the way close, really close, best-friends act and feel for one another. Better still, he had seen that same love returned by the Doc to Jane. He gave them this. He gave them the push needed so they could be here right now. The right now that was breathing life back into a part of Jane long buried. They owed him, but he expected only to be repaid by them being happy, together.

"Oh Jane, I feel so horrible for you. My Sweet tortured Love."

"Maur, it was a long time ago. I'm afraid I could never go back to who I was then and still control my life as I do now."

"But if you had a safe place to be the true you, could you allow yourself to be that Jane who you hid away so long ago?"

Jane took a moment to mull over the question. As her eyes took in her condo that represented the life she had driven herself to create at the cost of her basic self. She came back to the same result, her family, friends and co-workers would find out and chaos would rule. She pulled back to look at Maura.

"It just would not work Maura. Everyone would find out."

"If we had a place to go, where you could be you without fear of exposure, would you try?

"Yes, I guess, but come on, it would be impossible. Your house and my condo are grand central for all the people we know. There is no way I would feel comfortable enough to even explore that part of myself for ten minutes much less enough to be at peace with it."

"I didn't say your safe place would be here in Boston."

"What do you mean?"

"Just wait. I am going to give you that safe place and it will just be ours."

"Maur…"

"Patients and trust my dear. Give me both and I will give you back a part of yourself that you locked away a long time ago."

"Okay, you got it."

"Good. I do this because I love you, Jane."

"And I love you Maura."


End file.
